Chapter 7

Oh my GOSH! Finally! Chapter 7 is in! It's kind of short though, so I just posted all at once... anyways, it's kind of juicy. Hope you enjoy!!!


P.S. While you're here, why don't you check out my extras over there. --->

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

And Let Me Tell You About Beauty : Part One

I ran through the alleys, jumping at every shadow, expecting the man with the snap metal to jump out and kill me. Amazingly, he didn’t, I figured that he was still at my slum, holding onto his crotch, moaning in pain. I kept my head down as I ran, hoping no one would recognize me as my feet ran along the broken asphalt. I had no idea where I was going, all that I knew was that I needed to hide for awhile. I felt like I was running in slow motion, and time seemed to come to a complete halt, but yet, my mind was racing. I didn’t know where I was going, or where my feet were taking me, but I didn’t stop going for a long time.

After awhile, I stopped in front of a building. Justin’s building. How did I even get here? I asked myself. I opened the door and stepped inside. His slum had been converted into a trade store, so I had to watch my step. “Justin?” I called out into the cluttered space before me. There was all sorts of things on the floor, on the cabinets, and even in the chairs. There were edibles, different styles and shapes of knotsacks, canteens, some old rummy books, and even some snapmetals.

“Hold on!” I heard him yell from another room. “I’m coming!” A loud clatter came from the room and a barely audible “Oh for Gob’s sake.” There was some shuffling of things and he appeared in front of me. “What can I help you with m’ dear?” he asked.

He looked kind of middle-aged, but he was kind of good looking for a man of that age. He had short, brown hair, and was taller than I. His eyes were a deep purple, so deep that you could get lost in them. His eyes revealed wisdom, and shone with intelligence that I probably would never understand. There was something else about him, something that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. “Are you Justin?”

“I am the one and the only.” he said, as if proud of himself.

“Are you sure?” I asked. I wanted to be sure of who he was. I didn’t want to go blabbing to someone that would turn me over to the council.

He squinted his eyes at me and said “Well of course I’m sure! Don’t you think I know who I am? Just because I’m old doesn’t mean I’m stupid! I didn’t just go off my rocker and lose my head! I’m not one of those forgetful idiots who just run around all willy nilly about town! Don’t you think I know my own name? My name is Justin! I swear you youth are gonna be the death of me some day. Askin’ your stupid questions like that. Are you sure?” he mocked me. “Well of course I’m sure!” he paused and asked, “So what can I do you for missy?” he asked in a more pleasant tone.

What a strange man I thought. “Well, it’s about Katlyn.”

“Katlyn? Who’s that?”

“She told me to ask about a Paradose.” I strained to get out the last word. I couldn’t remember what she said exactly, but I hoped that I was close.

He looked at me confused for a second. “What are you talking about?” he asked.

“Katlyn, she ran off to Raski, and told me to come here and ask you about..” I paused trying to remember the exact word, “about, a ‘Paradose.’”

“Oh, I see.” his eyes darkened to a black color. I’ve never seen any pair of eyes do that before. “Come with me then.” I followed him into a room smaller than the first, but it had a look-out from the bottom to the top of one of the walls. He gestured for me to sit down in one of the chairs, and he sad down on his pallet. “So, you want to know about Paradise, eh?” I nodded, so that’s what she called it. “Well then, I might be able to help you.” I opened my mouth to say something, but he held his hand up before I could get a word out. “I’m sure you have many questions, but please hold them for later. I may answer all of them with this tale.” he leaned back on the wall behind him and sighed.


brainsnorts said...

a few things to annoy you with:

1. very good with the renaming of things. nukies, rummy, snapmetal, etc. it sounds very natural and logical.

2. good going with the intro thoughts from momma, keep that up. add one somewhere in which momma tells her about how the war wiped out all the leaders, teachers, smart people, and only dumb guys were left. that'll explain why society is so poorly run by lust-filled creeps.

3. some wonderful poetic touches, like back a few parts when katlyn "tried to make herself small" when she met leo. and the green things, and how the forest wasn't always filled with flames.

4. the guy in the alley wouldn't have let her win so easily. she needs to find a pipe and crack him on the skull. the only way it'll work the way it is would be for her to grab his privates and hold the glass right against it.

5. there's no real reason to "off" someone when they can be put to labor. not unless you add a small commment that food and air are both very hard to get, so they can't have women wasting them unless they're being useful. and nobody should be offed unless they refuse to go to labor, which likely wouldn't happen given the choice of work or die. therefore, "labor" should be literally forced pregnancy. you probably already thought about it, and it would be cool for luna at some point to be caught, sent to labor, and that's when she learns (and the reader learns) that labor is being forced to have sex and babies. that's when someone might think they'd rather be "offed."

have you read "the giver" in school? if not, it's a short book, and you should read it as soon as you can. this story is kind of in the same direction about a society where things are really controlled but they hear about another place where things are better. but you've got a fresh design on things. i'm very much enjoying it, so i hope you keep it up.

birdy said...

Hi Kristen!

Your words have the magic to go deep in one heart. You have a bright future in writing. Hoping soon will see your books in markets. I'll back to read your stories.